Bill and Melinda Gates caused quite a stir when they announced their separation in May 2021. Divorce after 25 years of marriage! In a Twitter statement, they said, “We continue to share a belief in that mission and will continue our work together at the foundation, but we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives.” Even a cursory glance at the statement may pull you in at the “next phase of our lives” part. It’s true! With increased life expectancy, there is an entire phase of your life that you have to look forward to beyond 50. Among other reasons, this is primarily why divorce has become a viable option for people unhappy in marriages, irrespective of their age and the length of their marriage. However, age does make divorce for quinquagenarians and above a different sort of challenge. Let us explore how to survive divorce after 50 to help you deal with it healthily.
Reasons For Gray Divorce
Gray Divorce or Silver Splitters is now part of common parlance when talking about the divorce of people over 50, roughly speaking. That there are more terms to describe this occurrence shows its increasing frequency as well as the reducing social stigma surrounding the divorce of mature men and women.
Lisa, homemaker, and ex-teacher, 58, split up with her husband, Raj, businessman, 61, much later in life, after both their children were married and living with their respective families. She says, “It was not some deep, dark secret that Raj kept hidden from me or even an extramarital affair. Raj appeared very quiet but has always been extremely possessive and aggressive. Not that he hit me or anything, it was just that he thought he owned me.
“When my kids were young, it made sense to put up with all this. But as an empty nester, I just wondered why I should put up with it any longer. Besides, we had no common interests. Even if I never found anyone else to share my life with, at least I could enjoy it without someone’s constant glowering and interference.”
People over 50 may get divorced for various reasons. Like Lisa, midlife divorces are mostly the result of the loss of love. Marital dissatisfaction or discord, or a low-quality partnership affecting a person’s mental and physical health is universal no matter the kind of relationship – same-sex/opposite sex – age, ethnic background, or region. But there may be various factors affecting the rise in cases of divorce in older marriages. Some of them are:
Empty Nest Syndrome: If the glue that held a couple together was merely a shared responsibility of raising children, the moment they are gone, a couple may find it difficult to find a reliable anchor to tether them to the marriageLonger life expectancy: People are living longer. They are more hopeful of the remaining years of life, often seeing it as a new phase rather than a grim tale of waiting for the endBetter health and mobility: Not only are people living longer, they are leading fitter, more active and youthful lives. Hope for the future makes people want to live happier lives, follow adventures, pursue hobbies, alone or with a new partnerFinancial independence for women: More women are financially independent than before. They may no longer “need” a partner for financial stability, making a bad or unsatisfactory relationship more disposableNew definitions of marriage: There has been a shift in the dynamics of marriage. More people may be coming together in holy matrimony for reasons rooted in love in comparison to more practical or traditional reasons based in patriarchal forward movement of the family structure. Loss in affection and intimacy, therefore, naturally becomes an increasingly decisive factor for divorceReduced social stigma: It has just become easier to find more support for your decision to end a marriage than ever before. Society understands it slightly better. Offline and online support groups for divorce are proof
Divorce After 50 – 3 Mistake To Avoid
Dissolution of marriage can be daunting at any stage of life but even more so when you get a divorce at 50 or beyond. Companionship, security, and stability are the things people crave the most when heading into the sunset of life. So, when life throws you a curveball at that stage, starting over is no walk in the park. Yes, even when you’re the one who wants out.If you are seeking divorce over 50, here are 3 mistakes to avoid:
1. Don’t let emotions get the better of you
Whether you’re the one who wants to move on or the decision has been thrust upon you, getting divorced at this stage of life can leave you feeling overwhelmed with emotion. No matter how taxing this reality feels, don’t let your emotions get the better of you and cloud your judgment. The desire to get it over with as quickly as possible is understandable. However, when you lose sight of the bigger picture or long-term stakes, you risk jeopardizing a secure future. It is important to not view your divorce as a war that you need to win. To make sure you have all your bases covered, you have to set aside the brimming emotions and approach it as a calculated business transaction. Even if the divorce is by mutual consent you must look out for your future.
2. Not negotiating smartly can be a mistake
Divorced and broke at 50 can be the worst combination. By this age, you’re likely to be financially stable and leading a comfortable life, thanks to years of hard work, meticulous financial planning, and savings. By not negotiating smartly, you risk losing it all in an instant. After all, the financial setback is one of the most overlooked effects of divorce. You don’t want to be staring at starting a new career at a time when you’d be planning a retirement. Besides, factors such as medical conditions and ageism can get in the way of your ability to build a life for yourself from scratch. So, make sure you negotiate smartly, with the aid of a family law legal counselor, for a fair division of retirement accounts, social security benefits, and assets as well as securing alimony, if applicable.
3. Losing control
All the documentation and legal jargon can be hard to navigate and make sense of. Even more so, when you’re not in the best emotional state. While your legal counsel or divorce lawyer will be there to guide you at every step of the way, you must not lose control of the process. Don’t tell your lawyer to handle it all and tell you what to do. Do your research, talk to people, get advice from different reliable sources and draw up a mediation checklist to make sure you know exactly what you’re in for during a divorce proceeding. Let your lawyer be the expert who guides your decision and not the one who steers them. It’s absolutely essential to ensure that you’re financially as stable and secure as possible post-divorce. Here are a few things to keep in mind to take care of finances in divorce after 50:
Make sure you have an inventory of your assets and liabilities as a couple. Don’t forget joint credit card debts. Track your retirement savings, social security benefits, and life insurance policiesThink of the house. Are you keeping it? If yes, will it be financially viable to upkeep it with a single person’s income. Are there mortgages and other associated costs?This is a reminder. Community property laws in nine US states make one spouse half partner in all debts of the other spouse, known or unknown. Consult a family law attorney to make sure you know what are you a part ofCheck the clause in your health insurance, especially if you were sharing it with your spouse until now. Where do you stand?
How To Rebuild Life After Divorce At 50
Once the storm of legal proceedings has passed, you may find surviving divorce after 50 a lot harder than you imagined. As long as you look at it as a chance for a do-over, you can reclaim your life and steer it in any direction possible. From embracing the liberating new-found independence from a long, stifling marriage to getting back on the dating scene again, the world is your oyster. Here is how you can pick up the pieces and rebuild your life brick by brick:
1. Allow yourself to grieve
Leaving your husband in your 50s is not easy. Nor is leaving your wife in your 50s an everyday occurrence, no matter how commonplace divorce may have become. You have seen a lot and are a tough cookie, we get it! But you don’t need to be hard on yourself. No matter if you were the one who was caught by surprise in the divorce or the one to initiate it, you are allowed to feel everything that you are feeling. The familiarity of a life as you know it, a life of 20 years, 30 years, or more, becomes too hard to snap out of. Recognize the emotions you are feeling. Fear, overwhelm, betrayal, anger, tiredness, or something else. Ask yourself, “I am divorced and alone at 50. It’s not easy. What am I feeling?” Denial is the biggest disservice you can do to yourself. Recognizing your emotions is the first step to taming them. It’s a battle half won!
2 . Let the bitterness dissolve
If you want to learn how to start over after divorce at 50 plus, you must begin by letting resentments and blame go. If you are consumed by bitterness, you might find it difficult to focus on rebuilding your life after divorce. You can try the following to manage negative thoughts:
Practice journaling to jot down your thoughtsPractice gratitude listing. Research has shown gratitude positively affects psychological well-beingPractice daily affirmations. If you have faith in new-age spirituality, find solace in the practice of manifestations and Law of AttractionApproach trusted friends or family members and share your feelings with themSeek help from a mental health counselor or therapist for guided and supervised release of negative emotions
3. Review your definition of relationships
You must switch your viewing glasses if you are thinking of your past marriage as a failure. There is a tendency to see divorce, breakup, or separation as a failure. This mentality makes it more difficult to let go of the resistance and embrace the new phase that is awaiting you. Nothing is eternal. You must remember, in one way or the other, everything comes to an end. That it ended doesn’t mean it was incomplete. See your divorce as nothing more than a milestone. A satisfactory end to an important phase in your life and the beginning of a new one.
4. Rediscover yourself
Ending decades-long marriage can bring with it confusion and disorientation. The pace and tone of life, satisfying or not, do become familiar and comfortable. To tackle that disorientation, you will have to reacquaint yourself with “you”. You will not only need to depend on yourself from here on but you will also be spending a lot of time with yourself. Make sure to rebuild your relationship with yourself before worrying about how to rebuild life after divorce at 50. Try the following ways of self-love:
Take a vacation Revisit an old hobbyReacquaint yourself with food that you liked. Individuals in-charge of cooking in the household tend to overlook their personal taste and choices in foodTry mixing up your wardrobe, or repainting your homeSee if you would like to meet new people
5. Prepare yourself for dating in your 50s after divorce
Talking about meeting new people, you will eventually want to date other people later in life. It is possible that you are not at that stage right now, and think you never will. That is completely normal. It is completely understandable to not want to go through the same ordeal once again after spending a long time with a single person. But even if you were not looking for romantic connections, you may eventually have the mental bandwidth to forge new friendships. Companionship may even be helpful later in life. Studies have shown that as people grow older, they begin to find more value in activities with friends as compared to family members. When dating in your 50s after divorce, be mindful of a few things:
Be wary of rebound relationships: Heal before seeking companionship. Do not try to fill a voidAvoid comparison with your old partner: Don’t approach people with the same lens smudged by your past experiences. Let this be a new startTry new things: The dating scene would have changed by the time you get another chance at it. Don’t be afraid of exploring new venues for dating. There are a lot of options if you look in the right places. Look for mature dating apps and sites such as SilverSingles, eHarmony and Higher Bond
6. Focus on yourself
Surviving a divorce at 50+ in a healthy way is only possible if you vowed to keep your health and happiness in focus. You can enjoy the next phase of yourself if you are physically and emotionally fit to take care of yourself. See your divorce as the best motivation to get your affairs in order. Here are some things you can do to take care of your health after divorce post 50:
Develop and follow an exercise routine. Visit local gyms and fitness centers. Don’t forget to approach other exercisers or the training staff. Not only do they provide a good company, they also ensure that you follow proper technique. This is especially important as the body agesTry other avenues for movement, such as swimming, a weekly city walking group, dancing etc. It may also help you develop a community Pay attention to your diet. Visit your GP and get yourself thoroughly tested. Consult a dietician to come up with diet plan that suits your body requirementsConsider seeking support in online support groups for divorce or offline ones in your vicinity. With your divorce, truly leave the unhappy wife/miserable husband syndrome tag behind
We understand life after divorce for a man over 50 can be challenging just as it can be an ordeal for a woman divorced at age 50. If handling your gray divorce is becoming too overwhelming for you to manage, consider seeking support from a separation and divorce counselor. Should you need it, Bononology’s panel of experts is here to help you. This article has been updated in November 2022.
