Resentment makes a person bitter and toxic. It creates trust and anger issues and can be detrimental to one’s mental health if left to pester within for too long. Resentment can break the strongest of relationships because it’s a nagging feeling of having been treated unfairly. Dealing with resentment and figuring out how to let go of anger are important. It may seem hard at first but it’s imperative that you learn to let go of it.
What Is Resentment In A Relationship?
Sally met 80-year-old retired physicist Richard on a flight to Toronto. “From ‘x’ and ‘y’, I am now fascinated with ‘I’,’’ he said. “Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What do I do with what is left of me, in me? These questions have intrigued me all my life. Finally, I have the time to take it up more seriously,” he said. Sally learnt that he was traveling with an entire bunch of people who were disciples of a saint and his teachings, which mainly dealt with the science of Self Realization. They got talking about the soul, karma and, of course, her favorite subject, coupledom. The moment she told Richard about her quest, understanding man-woman relationships, he had her in his thrall. Such deep concepts explained so simply. “You have a karmic attachment with your spouse. You both bonded over Raga and Dvesha”. Seeing Sally’s confused expression, he explained, “Raga means desire, attachment, want, need. These are the things you want to do, keep, have, feel and experience with regards to your spouse. He brings happiness and pleasure, makes you feel secure and cares for you. But then, you are also fused with him on dvesha, which is resentment. Dvesha means anger, pain, disappointment, at times even hatred and depression.” This brings me to the question: What is resentment? Well, resentment is often described as an angry and emotional reaction to being treated unjustly or, as the Oxford Languages Dictionary, puts it – a “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. It’s basically experiencing overwhelming and bitter feelings as a result of unjust or negative treatment by loved ones. Resentment often causes irreparable damage to one’s trust in love and relationships. Resentment can also cause one to feel shame, bitterness, anger, and harbor a desire for revenge over the most trivial issues or even serious ones – an insensitive comment made by a friend, unjust treatment by family (intentional or unintentional) or criticism at work. The person may feel victimized, behave in a passive aggressive manner, and hold on to the hurt and grudge for a long time until it comes out in the form of emotional outbursts of anger. Someone experiencing resentment may feel a whole range of negative emotions including disgust, disappointment, anger, fear, and shock. Letting go of resentment or forgiving the person who caused it may become extremely difficult for those dealing with resentment. They may forget the incident or event but the resentment caused as a result of it remains within them for years.
What Causes Resentment In A Relationship?
“How could a man know so much and express it so easily without merely passing any judgment on the very unpleasant dvesha, which I seemed to have in plenty too?” Sally wondered. Almost as if reading her mind, Richard said, “I have been married for a good 45 years, so I have probably experienced far more of both raga and dvesha. Every person in this flight has felt both in as much degree too. Raga and dvesha are the glue that bind two people together in romantic relationships or any relationship in our lives, for that matter, causing them to heap pain on each other, resulting in more and more karmic debt.” But, why does a person become resentful? What causes resentment in a relationship? Well, there can be several reasons but the most common one seems to be being mistreated or wronged or betrayed by another person. Resentment in relationships is an extremely destructive, poisonous and difficult feeling to overcome or let go leading to serious relationship issues. It engulfs you physically, emotionally and psychologically causing severe damage to one’s mental health and well-being. Resentment can be experienced all over again by recent events in one’s life like being rejected at an interview, being put down or humiliated by others, being neglected within the family, non-recognition of achievements, betrayed in love, being taken advantage of, and not being heard, among other things. The feeling of resentment usually originates from past experiences of insult or wrongdoing by someone. It stems from events or situations that happened a long time ago. It can dissipate if the person who caused it renders an apology but that’s easier said than done. Abusive parents, public humiliation or embarrassment is another reason why people become resentful. A hurtful or mean comment or a careless action is enough for a person to end up feeling resentful. They tend to replay the negative emotions and thoughts making it difficult for them to let go, forgive and move on.
What Are The Signs Of Resentment In A Relationship?
Feeling resentful toward someone takes away your ability to forgive them or let go of the matter because there is just so much anger and hurt filled inside you. Having said that, every human being is different. The relationship they have with their partner is different. But there are a few common signs to watch out for to determine whether someone is experiencing resentment in a relationship:
Constantly feeling negative emotions of anger, frustrations, disgust, and bitterness Finding it impossible to forget or stop thinking about the event that caused resentment Feeling regret or wishing that you had acted in a different manner Engaging in passive aggressive behavior Less interest in emotional and physical intimacy Strong desire for revenge Angry outbursts every now and then Constant fights and arguments that, at times, occur without valid reason
These are a few signs to know if your partner has been dealing with resentment. It is important to recognize and acknowledge these signs, take preventive action, and get help before the situation goes out of hand. Read on to know about how you can let go of all your anger and resentment and move toward building a healthy relationship with your partner.
How To Let Go Of Resentment?
“We have to take steps to resolve this debt, on each other,” Richard said. “If you are responsible for beginning the hurt, take a moment and step back. When you are ready, go to him and confess your wrongdoing. After that, ask for his forgiveness and assure him that you will try your best not to repeat it,” he explained. “Even if I do that, I know I would be lying. I mean, how can I not repeat it? I will, and so would he!” Sally said vehemently. “Just mean it then,” Richard said calmly. “When you are asking for absolution, mean it then. All of us operate from different levels of consciousness throughout the day. At least, at that moment, operate from the higher levels. If you are convinced in your heart that you are the one starting the cycle of hurt, wait for the moment till you feel genuine remorse. It is enough if you mean sorry then. Do not bother where you will be next time or even if you would do it again,” he explained. “Hmmm….”, Sally said, not convinced. “It will be the start of something big or small. I can’t tell you that. But it will be a start I promise you,” Richard said. There was so much faith in his voice as he told her that. “What if he started the cycle of hurt?”, Sally then asked. “Forgive him that instant. Do not tie him down with more karma. Tell him, ‘I know it is not you, the pure soul who is hurting me. It is the man XYZ that you are now who is hurting me, and I am letting it go.’ When you care for someone, and he cares back, it will be difficult for him to continue with new cycles of hurt. If you do not hurt him back for the old ones, it will be impossible for him to hurt you again.” “Very Zen,” Sally told him. “Will it work?” “Well, you must have tried several ways by now, I am sure. Try this now,” Richard concluded. Dealing with resentment in a relationship is hard but letting go of it and managing anger is harder. Hard, but not impossible. If you’re wondering how to let go of resentment or how to stop resenting someone, we may be able to help you. Resentment can be both a dissipating or persistent emotion depending on the event and how adept the person is at dealing with resentment. Resentment, if left to fester, can turn a healthy relationship into a toxic one and also prove to be detrimental to your mental health. In such a situation, you may wonder how to get rid of resentment. Well, there are ways. There are letting go exercises and ways to help you figure out how to release resentment. These 5 ways might just help you understand how to get over resentment:
1. Understand your feelings and why you find it difficult to forgive
Before figuring out how to let go of anger and stop feeling resentful, it is important to understand what causes resentment in a relationship. Dig deeper, introspect and analyze your feelings. Consider where those overwhelming feelings and negative emotions of anger, disappointment, disgust, and fear are coming from. What do you feel when you think of those unpleasant past experiences? This is the first step of letting go of resentment.
2. Practice self-compassion
Learn to be compassionate toward yourself. You need to feel loved and worthy and this is one way to get there. Resentment, when kept inside for a long period of time, can provide you with a sense of familiarity and security because those are the emotions you’ve felt and held on to for years. It may have become your coping mechanism, but in the long run, it can prove to be poisonous and damaging to your mental health and well-being. Practicing self compassion, self-care, and mindfulness can help you heal.
3. Practice empathy
How to let go of resentment? How to stop resenting someone? If you’re asking yourself these questions, being more empathetic could be the answer. Try empathizing with the person or situation that caused resentment. It might just help you realize or see things from a different perspective. It could have been a misunderstanding that caused you to become resentful. Seeing things from the perspective of the person or event that caused resentment may help in reducing those overwhelming feelings.
4. Focus on what you are grateful for
In today’s times, it is very easy to get entangled in a web of negativity. However, instead of victimizing yourself, try to focus on the positive and happy side of things. Spending time and energy in doing what you love is important. Maintain a journal of all the things you are grateful for and those that bring you happiness and joy. Make a list of things or people in your life you are grateful and thankful for. It’s one of the most effective letting go exercises there is. Focus on everything that is going right for you, things that you are fortunate enough to have.
5. Consult a therapist
This is one of the most important ways of letting go of resentment. Therapy can prove to be beneficial if you are dealing with resentment. A licensed therapist will help you understand the root cause. They will help in dealing with resentment and guide you in the right direction so you can figure out how to get over resentment through different therapy techniques. The healing process may be difficult at first, but will eventually prove to be fruitful. Making peace with your past will help you move on to better things in your life. Resentment in relationships can make a person toxic. A relationship therapist will be able to help you navigate the difficult feelings through effective coping strategies. Whether you take physical one-on-one sessions or online therapy, it’s up to you – whatever you are comfortable with. The idea is to get yourself help. If you’re stuck in a similar situation and can’t figure out how to release resentment, Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists is only a click away. Resentment can alter a person’s reality to an extent where they become unable to see the positive side of things. It is not a healthy space to be in. Yes, you have been through your fair share of hurt but you need to understand that holding on to negative feelings will do you more harm than good. Make an effort to heal for your own well-being. Make an effort to forgive and let go – this is the most important part of the process. Don’t let resentment become a part of your identity.
