Whether you’ve loved and lost before or just haven’t found someone you could lose your heart to, you know that the path to find true love in life isn’t easy. But it’s not impossible either. A change in your outlook toward what love is can make the journey much simpler. To help you in your quest, we’re here to help you understand the secret to finding love. With the help of relationship and intimacy coach Shivanya Yogmayaa (internationally certified in the therapeutic modalities of EFT, NLP, CBT, REBT, etc), who specializes in different forms of couples counseling, let’s figure out what you need to do to kickstart your very own rom-com.
21 Unrevealed Tips To Help You Find Love
Being in a relationship or finding your forever partner is not the be-all and end-all of life. But your life can become a sordid mess if you’re actively trying to find love without success. When love remains elusive, it can leave you overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy and dent your sense of self-worth too. The first order of business is to consciously avoid falling into that trap. Shivanya explains what might go wrong when you’re letting the quest of “how to find love” consume you. “We need to understand that the number of potential partners is more than you can imagine and that one rejection is not the end of the world. “We give out the wrong vibes, and we’re playing the dating game wrong. We’re not approaching each other from a very conscious or compassionate level, since we get so desperate to hit the jackpot from the get-go. It causes chaos and wreaks havoc on a person’s mind.” Whether you’re figuring out how to find love online or how to go on your very first date, these 21 unrevealed tips on how to find love in your life will help.
1. Love yourself to find love
As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. So, the first and the most important secret to finding love is to inculcate copious amounts of self-love. It is the only way to ensure that you don’t allow your choices to be curtailed by your own limiting beliefs. Or settle for less than you deserve. Shivanya explains the importance of loving yourself. “The only route to finding true love and to find compatible harmonious relationships is by loving yourself first. Most of the time, we don’t know what we want or who we are. If you don’t learn to love yourself, it’s very hard to find an equal, loving, compatible and respectful relationship. “If your relationship with yourself isn’t good, you’ll attract someone who’s not too favorable. You’ll attract a dysfunctional relationship and you’ll experience complications in the future.” Besides, nurturing your body, mind and soul with love can truly make you thrive, in turn, making you more attractive and appealing to prospective love interests. Instead of focusing on things like, “How hard is it to find love?”, try to start with loving yourself before you set out to love another.
2. Don’t leave love to fate
The love of your life knocking on your door on a lazy summer afternoon and ushering in a whirlwind romance that sweeps you off your feet happens only in The Bridges of Madison County. Real life is far removed from such fairy tale fiction. “If you really want to find the right match, you need to look at the right places. If you’re the type who is on a spiritual path and is big on meditation, please go and try to find your partner in similar environments like meditation retreats or groups. You can’t hope to find them in clubs and pubs,” says Shivanya. Don’t make the mistake of leaving love to fate if you really desire a romantic partnership. Put in some effort and actively seek out opportunities to find someone to love. However, this doesn’t mean being desperate. Go about your life as you normally would, but carve out time to put yourself out there.
3. Know what you want
Before you start seeking an answer to how to find love, figure out what love means to you. Are you looking for a passionate romance the thought of which will leave you weak in the knees years from now? Do you want a partner for life? Be honest about what you want because your pursuit to find love will differ depending on your goals. “Whether you want to make a career or you want to have a relationship, you need to know what you want. Only then will you know where you want to get to, right?” Asks Shivanya. Adding, “Introspecting about your beliefs, values and what you expect is extremely important. If you have certain traditional values, you should know that you need to attract someone similar. “There’s nothing wrong with having strong values or a certain ‘type’, you just need to know what they are. Even if you’re very flexible or open-minded, it’s important to know that so you don’t end up with someone rigid. You need to know where you want to set the boundaries and what you’re open to.” These goals may change over time, and that’s perfectly okay. But you need to be sure of exactly what you want in the present to be able to seek it. Don’t set your goals just for the sake of conforming with societal norms or pressure. It’d be a disservice to yourself and any potential partner.
4. Be ready to invest
If you’re looking to meet the love of your life and build a long-term relationship with them, you have to be prepared to invest. Your time, your emotions and a part of yourself. So, introspect a little to understand if you’re ready for that kind of commitment. If you’re trying to figure out how to find love again after a breakup, we know that the thought of having to invest all over again may be exhausting. But you need to know that you can’t just desire love because the idea of it seems aspirational to you. You need to understand what you’re signing up for beforehand.
5. Focus on self-growth
Becoming a well-rounded, balanced person holds the key to how to find love. Start by accepting that you don’t need another person to complete you or bring meaning to your existence. Your partner’s role in your life is to complement you. Someone with whom you can be the best version of yourself. And the same is true for them.
6. Know your value as a partner
This is an extension to the idea of inculcating self-love before you love someone else. That said, these are two underrated yet crucial tips to find love soon. Knowing your value as a potential partner can be difficult, as it is hard to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. It can become that much harder if you have been in toxic relationships in the past where your partner thrived on deprecating your sense of self. Try, nonetheless. An assessment of your own value can help steer your search toward practically viable partners. Shivanya explains the importance of knowing your own, as well as a potential partner’s worth, in your life. “You need to see that the person you are talking to and ultimately find, must be able to add value in your life. Just as, in turn, are you able to add value in theirs — this is besides matching their beliefs and expectations. It’s very important to cement and hold on to a relationship that makes you believe that you’re adding value to each other’s life.” Whether you’re figuring out how to find love after 30 or 40, the answer remains the same. You must know your worth, lest you accept the love you think you deserve.
7. Ask your friends for help
The good old-fashioned wingman is still an effective approach to find true love in life. They can help you break the social barriers, introduce you to potential partners. Heck, they can spot red flags and prevent you from making poor choices that you may be blind to. So, if you’re intent on finding love in your life, don’t hesitate in accepting help from your friends. In fact, there is no reason why you can’t even ask them for it upfront. Even if you’re a part of the dating app culture and you’re trying to unravel how to find love online, you can always ask your friends to help you pick out the best pictures you’ve got. Or you could just borrow their pets for a picture with them. Putting a picture up with a furball never hurts your chances.
8. Put away your phone
Have you found yourself wondering why do people always say when you meet the right person you know, except you never do? How do you expect to meet the love of your life with your head buried in your phone at all time? Do yourself a favor and make it a habit to put away your phone when you’re out and about socializing. That email from work, that Instagram notification, that addictive habit of dating on Tinder can all wait a couple of hours. Practice the art of being present in the moment if you want to keep the hopes of meeting someone interesting alive. One smart way of doing this is to put your phone on silent and stashing it away in your handbag or pocket. If you’re answering, “How hard is it to find love?” know that you’re just making it a lot harder for yourself because of never being present in the moment.
9. Set the bar for relationship standards
Every so often, we’re told to adjust, compromise and settle, so much so that we begin to feel guilty about expecting our partners and relationships to meet up to our standards. Expecting a relationship to live up to your standards is not a bad thing. As long as, you are equipped to meet them too. While it’s true that any relationship requires adjustments and compromises from both partners, these should not be confused with making peace with unsatisfying relationships. Before you set out to meet the love of your life, gain clarity on how high you want to set the bar for relationship standards. Shivanya explains the importance of having realistic expectations. “We need to check on ourselves and our expectations. When I am counseling people who have been repeatedly rejected in the dating game or on marital websites, I constantly tell them to check their own expectations. “The expectations get out of hand because we never get a realistic point of view of what relationships are supposed to look like. When people step into them, they do not know how low the relationships might sink during times of crisis. “You need to harness realistic expectations from yourself, as well as the partner. That allows you to hold on to the relationship during difficult times, rather than quitting every now and then.”
10. How to find love? Try humor
If you’re figuring out how to find love online, this one is a must. Everyone enjoys a hearty laugh. People feel comfortable when the vibe around them is upbeat and light-hearted. That’s why the secret to finding love may lie in honing your humorous side. Positive humor and a witty streak can enhance your appeal manifold. Knowing how to make a girl laugh can make all the difference. At the same time, you may want to steer clear of sarcasm or dry humor that may make you come across as prudish or insecure even. No one finds that attractive.
11. Look for opportunities to connect with like-minded people
Want to know how to find love? How about starting with small efforts like frequenting places where you’re likely to meet people you have a lot in common with? Let’s say you are passionate about cycling. Join a local cyclists’ club. It will naturally augment your chances of meeting someone like-minded and hitting it off instantly. It’s a whole lot better than being caught in the rut of left swipes and bad dates.
12. Seek partnership, not romance
If your idea of finding love is a relationship that carries on for the long haul, then you should seek a partnership and not romance per se. This is not to say that you end up with someone you have absolutely no romantic feelings for or aren’t attracted to. But that, you should prioritize a potential mate who can bring stability, rhythm and maturity to the table rather than just someone with the promise of a dizzying romance. “You must know what you’re looking for in a relationship. If it’s love, you need to know that you can’t rush into it, even if your hormones are making you think that that’s the only way to do it,” explains Shivanya. “The word “love” and “lover” have been mistaken with sex and excitement. We think passion is what love is all about. In truth, it’s just a part of it. Excitement is not a sign of love. The signs are harmony, peace, respect and compassion. Those things ensure that the relationship is going to have more harmony outside of bed,” she adds. These are some of those practical tips to find love soon that will save you from getting your heart skinned over and over again.
13. You attract what you are
If you’re a happy, confident person, you will attract someone who has the same vibe. Similarly, if you’re forever riddled with self-doubt, you will inevitably draw attention from people who are wallowing in a similar negative sense of self. That can’t lead to a happy, enduring relationship. So, pay attention to any underlying, unresolved issues that may be meddling with your state of mind. Fixing these can unlock the secret to finding love. This is especially important when you’re trying to figure out how to find love again after a breakup, since your self-esteem may be at an all-time low.
14. Embrace your flaws
No one is perfect. That includes you. So, stop being too harsh on yourself or exalting yourself to unreasonably high standards. Your crooked nose, your tendency to cry at the drop of a hat, your habit of over-thinking – they make you who you are. So, don’t focus all your energies into figuring out how you can “fix yourself”’. Instead, embrace your flaws. It will make it easier for you to accept that any potential partner will come with their share of flaws and shortcomings too. And you won’t bolt the moment you begin to spot them.
15. Don’t be desperate to find love
If you’re figuring out how to find love after 30, make sure you don’t fall prey to desperation. While leaving love to fate is not the way to go, being desperate in your attempts to find love isn’t the best recourse either. Don’t obsess over why you’re single or why your relationships don’t work out. If you’re spending sleepless nights fretting over the lack of a partner in your life or are talking to your mailman about how difficult it is to not feel lonely when single, know that you’re already wading into desperate waters. Shivanya explains the detrimental outcomes that can come from appearing desperate. “When men get desperate, they give off a very “needy” vibe. They appear to be someone who needs to have attention and needs to get in bed with someone. Desperation also shows a lack of confidence. When you lack confidence, you become unsexy and undesirable which eventually puts off a woman. “The same goes for women. When they become desperate, they become needy, clingy, overly attached. They put off men because they’re always advertising that they’re “available” and get too attached. In their desperation, they give in to being anything and everything for the other person. They tend to lose themselves to hold onto the relationship. “To avoid this, you must know that you’re worthy. If you’re rejected, you always have options. You should not latch on to one person, you should never think that you’re not going to find anyone.” Invest your time and energies into pursuing ambitions, hobbies or other relationships that bring you joy. When you see there is more to life than just being in love, your desperation will begin to wane.
16. Don’t seek love out of fear
To find true love in life, your motivation needs to be right. If you’re doing it out of the fear that you will end up alone in life or because of the anxiety of a ticking body clock, you will end up making hasty decisions. You know how that pans out more often than not. A hasty decision means ending up with someone who is not right for you. Such relationships end badly. When that happens, you will end up alone again and that body clock will still be ticking. Round and round in circles you’ll go.
17. Don’t put your life on hold
While pondering on, “How hard is it to find love?” don’t put your life on hold until you meet the love of your life. Doing so will only make you bitter and devoid of any zest for life. These traits, in turn, will repel any potential partner with whom you see a future. Then these rejections push you further down the rabbit hole of poor self-esteem. So, take that trip you’ve been wanting to. Build a rock-solid career. Buy that dream car or house whilst you go about your quest for love. These things can happen alongside one another. Not having love is no reason to punish or deny yourself the little joys of life.
18. Say “yes” to more dates
Waiting for that “I think I found the one” eureka moment in your life? Well, waiting alone ain’t gonna make it happen. You have to meet new people to be able to find “the one”. One of the simplest tips to find love soon is to say “Yes” to more first dates. “Just like you actively search for a new job, one should approach the dating game in a similar fashion. You need to give yourself as many chances as you get. When you find a hundred matches, you’ll find someone who actually clicks with you. Instead of stereotyping and assuming that you’re not going to find someone, try to keep at it,” says Shivanya. We know that surviving a string of bad dates that lead nowhere can be exhausting. Remind yourself that it takes only one good one to put an end to that cycle forever. So, venture out and meet prospective partners as often as you can.
19. Don’t tie down love to life milestones
If you’re fixated on life goals like getting married by 30, having the first kid by 32 and the second by 35, you’d naturally rush through the process of finding love. In the process, you may end up settling for the person you’re dating at 28 to make sure you stay on track to meet these milestones. This person may turn out to be someone who makes you miserable or just isn’t right for you. What if you then, come across your one true love at 35, as a person trapped in an unhappy marriage with kids? So, even if you’re figuring out how to find love after 30, don’t tie down love to your list of life milestones. Sometimes it’s best to let life take its own course. This is definitely one such situation.
20. Opposites attract is a juvenile take on love
Beware of the “opposites attract” notion that has been propagated in the name of love for eons. It may work well for a high school romance or a fleeting fling, but certainly not in the case of stable, long-term relationships. When two people are fundamentally different from each other, friction points are bound to arise sooner or later. These can take a toll on your relationship, peace of mind and future together. So, if you’re trying to understand how to find love again after a breakup, the right way might not be to completely disregard your “type” to go for someone who is the exact opposite of you.
21. Embrace love when you find it
As they say, when you meet the right person you know it. If you’re at that point, don’t self-sabotage a relationship by overthinking or being consumed with self-doubt. When the right person comes along in your life, they just fit in. Perfectly. Sometimes you may not be able to pinpoint why, but you can definitely feel it in your gut. If you do, learn to trust your instincts and take a leap of faith. These tips will help broaden your horizons on how to find love. With this newfound perspective, go look for the love of your life. The world is your oyster. And if the process is getting the better of you mentally, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists can help you figure out what you might be doing, or help you deal with the anxiety that may accompany the entire process.
